Darkness
Deep, Surrounding, Suffocating.
This is what my depression feels like. I'm lost in a sadness that consumes me. An non-explainable feeling, but a feeling I need to express. To share. My head swarms with thoughts, fears, that take hold of me. It's like trying to swim against the current and never able to break the surface to catch even the smallest breath. My chest swells. A feeling that is not only painful, but unbearable in the way that it suffocates me. The tears are unstoppable. They are not cold, but streak down hot with the anger and the fears deep inside.
I keep it hidden from public because I find it shameful and weak. When it hits in public, I hide it behind a fake smile, or yawn and blame the tears on being sleepy. How could I let anyone see me in such a helpless state? It is easier to bare the sadness inside than it would be to bear the looks and whispers of the faceless figures all around.
"She has depression."
"The poor thing."
I don't want to take medicine to help my depression. The thought to have to rely on a pill sickens me. It makes me feel like I am broken and need to be fixed. Please...please...don't try to fix me. But I do need help. I don't know how to ask for it. My depression is getting worse. It happens more frequently. Part from my stressful job and life. I could finally reach my breaking point and lose. I could fall beneath the waves and give up on the struggle, allowing the current to pull me under and take me away.
Fears. They cause the depression. Fears of everything.
Of something happening to the ones I care. I constantly fear the loss of my little sister. She is the branch I hold onto that keeps me afloat. She is my world. We have almost lost her on multiple cases. I was the cause for one. I think about it often and think about what would have happened if she hadn't survived. I dream often of something happening to her and losing her forever.
I fear my friendships. Fear that they are not strong enough to last, or that my friends really don't care. Don't care about...me...or our friendship. I take every excuse they have for not wanting to make time for me as a sign that they don't care. I read into every little joke too seriously, wondering if it really is just a joke...or if they really mean it. I'm just a tease to one of my best friends. He does nothing but poke fun towards me and make jokes at me. I know it is his way of showing he cares, but it hurts me deeply that I can't have a serious conversation with him...I once wanted to date him...My other best friend once made it clear that she would rather take pictures with complete strangers than with me...She's getting married and I found out via FB...and wasn't included in the wedding party...My last best friend...our relationship grew out of distrust. He didn't like me because he met me during a time when I was running high off of emotions and low on logic and did something stupid. I fear that if his two friends hadn't been away from the dorms and school that year that we would have never become best friends. He's the closest friend I have and at the time when my depression hit the hardest, he asked "could this wait till tomorrow". The tears fall now just typing that.
Fears of the decisions I have made consume me. I fear the way they have an effect on my life and on the ones I hold dear. I have made a decision recently. I do not consider it a bad decision because it is something I want. My boyfriend always says we shouldn't regret the decisions we make because it is what we wanted...however, this decision has hurt him, and I haven't even the courage to tell him what it is that I did. Our relationship did not start off on solid ground (I cheated on my bf at the time to get into the relationship). I fear this has left a cap of non-trust in our relationship...and I fear that this decision will tear at the remaining trust when I do tell him. I must tell him...but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he'll never look at me that same...that he'll be disappointed in me. It hurts me to think that I have disappointed him. I'm afraid of his reaction and the effects it will have on him. But I am also afraid that I am not ashamed of the decision...and I'm afraid of that decision. I am afraid because I do not know what will happen next.
The future scares me and brings me into my depression often. I worry about my job. Am I good enough? I just moved to a new house that I'm renting. What will happen if I get fired? Will they fire me? Am I giving them a reason to fire me? Last week I felt like I was. We run off of metrics that we need to meet each month. One of the metrics is based on how well we follow our schedule. Mine hasn't been meeting lately. My manager and area manager spoke with me about it last week. I felt like I was being punished. I felt weak again. It's a metric that should be easy to meet, but I couldn't even come close. What does that say about me? It made me feel like I was no good. I often feel like I'm no good at my job because of those metrics. I fear the unknown of my future. I try not to think about my future often (I like to live in the moment) and I feel that might be why I fear my future. Where have I gone in the past ten years? My ten year reunion for high school comes up in two years. What have I done since then? I barely graduated from college with a BA in English. I struggled with my first place where I had to leave it early and move back in with my parents and I'm just finally have moved out of my parents place. When I look back on what I have done on my life, it's like there there is no color in my life. I feel like I have accomplish nothing (though I know that I have). The best times of my life were in college and I feel like I never left. I am always stuck in my past, therefore; I cannot look towards my future. My boyfriend is looking at moving North for his carrier and has asked me before if I would follow. I have not given a straight answer because I do not know. I do not know because I fear the idea. I fear the idea of being far away from those I have depended on my whole life. I fear starting a new life of my own...especially with someone else.
I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of being too dependent. I have a fear of being too independent. My life is nothing but fears and the depression it causes. I no longer know what to do. I can no longer hide this side of me like I have always tried. I need help...
And I'm afraid to ask for it.
With All My Love <3
S.L.u.G.
